Written by Philip Mitchell, Vice President, Ad Ops
I hope this finds you well! Since it has been a while since we spoke, and after the last couple of years on the naughty list, we believe there is a strong case to be made for inclusion on the nice list this year! Rest assured that our stocking coal had been used to warm our cold cold hearts. Similar to our colleague Mr. Grinch, we have seen a 3x ROI on our heart size year-over-year. We value your consistency in checking each year's list twice, and we propose this year to be the year of fresh starts!
Please find our wish list below:
Cookies: Given your expertise with cookies, I know we both share concerns over their inevitable demise. At some point, we are going to have to learn some new recipes for a post-cookie future. We would be grateful for any magical recipes or some fancy new baking equipment under the tree - I don't think our KitchenAid mixer is going to cut it for much longer.
Coherent Ad Policies: We do not mean to imply that stocking coal is all that we have received, but the consistency with which we have woken up to find yet another carefully wrapped hula-hoop under the tree is impressive. Did you mean for each hula-hoop to be so different? Some of them have confusing instructions, some of them seem to be missing parts, and some appear to (magically?) change shape every couple of days. All that said, we believe we have plenty of hoops to jump through at the moment. Might we suggest an easy Lego set or a Q1 conference call with Facebook and Google to discuss their ongoing hoop design?
Talent: Your ability to manage a large-scale workforce is second to none. There have been a lot of metaphorically foggy December evenings in our world recently and we need to bring more Rudolph’s into the fold. Perhaps a stack of resumes under the tree? If easier - feel free to just send them here.
Transparency: We greatly admire your commitment to clear tracking of all the most important metrics: (Child + Toy = Happy). It is understandably challenging to elicit the same happiness for political campaigns, but is a transparent insight into the most effective media mix across a multitude of platforms asking too much? At the very least, can we slow roll the next iOS update that changes everything?
And finally, a red race car with flames on the side, please?!?!
Thank you for your time and consideration; we look forward to your response by COB on December 24th!